How to Forgive Yourself and Others

Knowing how to forgive yourself and others can mean the difference between releasing negative events from your past easily or struggling for years with little success.

Learning to forgive is not about being able to just "forgive and forget", although for some events that may be all you need to do.

Forgiveness is about releasing yourself and others from reliving and revisiting past events that caused you pain. It is spiritual energy healing that affects all levels of our being.

Your goal is really to heal your mind. Forgiveness is primarily for and about you. The other people involved may or may not change or even feel sorry. They may not even be aware, or care, that they did something to offend you. Be okay with that.

So, how to forgive? Start by reading Learning to Forgive. This page lays the groundwork for the work and is an important place to begin.

How to Forgive: The Preliminaries

First, realize that forgiveness is only about you. Reread the paragraphs above. If someone asks for forgiveness, that does makes it easier, but it's still not about them.

Second, really get that the past is gone. It lives only as an illusion in your mind and only has the power you give it.

Nothing can change what happened. It's over. You have to choose to continue to live with regrets over a past you can't change or choose to energize a better present and future. You can keep revisiting the negative or you can make the choice to let it go.

Since thinking about these wrongs has become a habit, you have to break the habit. Refuse to feed the thoughts with any more energy.

Acknowledge that regardless of what the other person did, you have full responsibility for your thoughts and feelings about them and the situation. No one can make you think or feel or respond in any way.

Yes, they might know how to push your buttons, but the response was and is your doing. You need to step into that power and assume your responsibility. Really, do you want to give this person power over your thoughts, actions and feelings?

Ask yourself if you want to keep punishing yourself and hurting yourself because of what someone else did? Do you really want to give someone this kind of power over you? Hopefully you said no. Knowing how to forgive and releasing the past lets you take back the power that is yours.

You don't have to worry about how to forgive big offenses and how to forgive little ones. The process is the same. You may have to dig a little deeper with some resentments than others, but the ideas are the same.

It's not enough to just know how to forgive. You have to do it. You have to make a commitment to forgiving yourself and others. It is a process. If you make a half-hearted attempt, not much will change for you. Once you learn how to forgive, and choose this response quickly instead of "stewing", it will become much easier and at times even automatic. You may even find you pick up regrets and resentments less often. In the meantime...

A Forgiveness Process

Step One - Take some time to write down all your feelings about what happened. Don't censor them. Let every vile, judgmental thought about yourself or the other person come out. Write down every horrible thing s/he did and said to you. Express your feelings about it. Really let it all out.

Step Two - Depending on the incident and your level of trauma, you may want to skip this step, add this step or just start here. Use good judgment. The idea is not to traumatize yourself more. However, don't just skip this step because it seems silly or you only care about your own perceptions.

You are going to explore points of view. This is similar to the idea of walking a mile in another man's shoes before judging him.

Get three chairs and place them facing each other. Chairs around a table should work fine. Sit in one chair and tell your story. Hold nothing back.

Now move to the second chair. In this chair you take the point of view of the perpetrator. Pretend you are this person. What were you thinking? Why did you say what you did? How were you feeling? Explain the incident from this point of view.

Finally, move to the third chair. This is probably the most difficult seat because you have to be totally objective. Take the part of an on-looker or witness who doesn't know either of you. What did you see or hear? What happened?

Explore what you learned about yourself, the other person and the situation during this exercise.

Step Three - Is there something positive that came out of this experience? Did you learn or realize something that helped you for the better? Sometimes the good that comes out of an undesirable situation is far greater than the hurt and pain we feel about it.

Even when some people grudgingly acknowledge this, they still refuse to forgive. Instead, acknowledge your hurt and then express gratitude for all you learned and how you were helped. This is your new focus.

If you haven't done this yet, take some time now to look for the lesson and the gift. Open yourself to the positive.

Step Four - Release the person from the energy of the incident and from the "energy cord" this created between you. Some people like to visualize themselves cutting the cords with scissors and letting the energies return to the light. Get into the visualization and cut all of them all around you.

You may also want to visualize creating a bubble in front of you. Put this person and his deeds into the bubble and let them float away. If this is someone you still want in your life, or yourself, just put the words or deed in the bubble and send that off. Tell them, "I release you" or "I forgive you". Tell yourself that you are freeing yourself from this.

Step Five - Now burn or destroy the paper that you wrote the story and your feelings on. Offer gratitude and thanks for all the release you've been granted for your "mistakes". Give thanks that you have released this. Say a closing prayer if you like.

Step Six - From this point forward, if you are ever tempted to revisit this story with negativity, stop yourself immediately. Release it. Do not feed it your energy. Instead of sinking back into bad feelings, here's what I do.

I offer a blessing. I simply say, "Bless you" or something of that sort. Sometimes I am inspired to say more. I offer this blessing with full sincerity. This gives me feelings of peace, compassion and love. This shifts your energy quickly.

Remember, we have all fallen short. None of us are in any position to hold another in judgment. After offering your blessing, think of something else. Eventually your mind will revisit this incident, and the person behind it, less and less until you become detached from it.

Even if you do lapse into the past on occasion, you should notice much less negative emotion attached to it. It is no longer a question of how to forgive, that part is done. Now it's time to release the habit of holding onto it. Reteach the mind to think new thoughts. Blessings are a good place to start.

Other Methods

Energy psychology and meridian tapping techniques can really help you shift your energy and perceptions quickly. I've seen people let go of incidents they were holding onto for 50 years in less than an hour. If you are struggling to let go of old issues, you owe it to yourself to try them.

Another method that inspires healing and profound shifts in perspective is the Ho'oponopono prayer.

Two other methods you might like to explore are "The Work" of Byron Katie and Colin Tipping's "Radical Forgiveness". Both of these methods challenge traditional thinking and help shift your perceptions.

There's more...

Please be aware that just because you have forgiven, doesn't mean nothing else is required. If the incident is totally in the past, or the person is dead or gone, this may be the case. But sometimes knowing how to forgive isn't enough.

If further steps to resolve the issue or make amends are required, then you will still have to take care of this. Forgiving yourself isn't about ignoring obligations or pushing things under the carpet. If you owe a debt of money or deeds or kind words, then pay it. If someone is indebted to you, then you have to decide to let it go or to move forward to a resolution.

The act of forgiveness will help you move forward from a higher place.

This isn't 'forgive and forget'. You will no doubt remember - that's how our brains are wired. It is about releasing the emotional and energetic charge of the event.

As you release the lower vibrations and welcome higher energies to resonate with you, you are in a position to make empowered choices and benefit more from the healing energies of your mind and body.