By Val Silver

How to Love Yourself and Others: 17 Tips for Creating a Love-filled Life

self-love, how to love yourself and others

Learning how to love yourself and others unconditionally is a key to lasting well-being, happiness, and fulfilling relationships. Practicing extreme self care is an important part of showing yourself this kind of love.  If you are ill or unhappy (and even if you aren't), showing yourself and others agape love makes life healthier and happier for everyone. The universal law of cause and effect and the law of reciprocity, or sowing and reaping, will make it so. It can make a critical difference in your recovery and sense of well-being.

Learning how to love yourself when you don't know how can seem overwhelming. It can be challenging to allow your mind and heart to open in this way. It can go against your programming. That's okay. Any step in this direction is a good step. Showing yourself and others real love in meaningful, tangible ways as a daily practice  is a lifelong process of transformation that doesn't happen over night. It starts with developing a vibrant, nurturing relationship with your authentic self that then spills over to bless others as well.

The words of St. Paul to the Corinthians explains the power and nature of unconditional love. The words engraved on this stone are as true today as they were two thousand years ago. You don't have to be religious or even spiritual to embrace them. Imagine how wonderful the world would be if we loved ourselves and others, including all sentient beings, in this way. It would be a taste of heaven on earth for all of us.

how to love yourself and others unconditionally 1 Corinthians 13.

This love is authentic. It comes from the heart and a mind that keeps the ego in its place. It is your true spiritual nature. Getting in touch with this part of you may take some uncovering and practice, but it is there inside you waiting to be set free. 

What Does It Mean to Love Yourself

Loving yourself the way your are and for who you are is not the same thing as building self-esteem. A healthy self-esteem develops naturally as you respect, honor, and care for yourself and others with love. This is a lot different than pumping up your ego and putting on airs, which only cover up feelings of poor self-worth.

When you love yourself, you value your needs and your dreams and nurture the well-being of your  mind, body, and spirit. Especially if you are ill, this commitment to yourself enters the realm of extreme self-care. You may have to become  the primary receiver of your own kindness, compassion, and attention, and the receiver of that care from others as well. Accept it with grace and appreciation, knowing that you are blessing the giver by receiving, which is much different than taking and expecting. 

You may not feel that you deserve to lavish yourself with loving self care.  You do. It is not selfish. You can only truly give what you have. If your bucket is empty you have nothing to pour out to others, at least not anything that is genuinely given. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.

The following tips and exercises will help you make self-love and appreciation a natural part of your life. As you practice, your brain will make new neural connections that will create new mental programs and new habits that uplift you and others. You deserve this. You are worth it. 

17 Tips: How to Love Yourself and Others

Learning how to love yourself requires knowledge, willingness, practice, and commitment. Look over the list below. See where you are already excelling and which areas would benefit from more of your attention. Choose up to three tips to start with. Add others as those become easier and more automatic.  Note how they add to the quality of your life and your relationships.

Together these tips comprise extreme self-care.  This is what you need to be your healthiest, happiest self in mind, body, and spirit. This is the self who can touch and change the world in a positive, profound way. 

Self Love Exercise

If you are just learning how to love yourself and are not sure what that means or looks like for you, start with this simple exercise.

  1. Make a list of the top ten ways you want to be treated by other people. Some traits people value include: respect, kindness, compassion, empathy, friendly, courteous, validation, appreciation, helpfulness, acceptance, open-minded.  
  2. Observe how others exemplify these traits. Use real people or TV characters as a model. What does it look like, sound like, feel like? 
  3. Choose a trait or two that is most important to you and write down a few ways you can act that way toward yourself. What will you say to yourself? What will you do for yourself? 
  4. Begin cultivating the trait (s) within yourself. Consciously practice treating yourself hat way until it comes naturally to you.
  5. Repeat steps 3 and 4 as you add a trait. Continue exemplifying your previously chosen traits as well. 
  6. Extend your loving attitudes and actions to others. Notice how it feels. What you give energetically comes back to you. 

An added bonus, as you begin treating others with love and kindness they will generally reciprocate in kind. Energetically, as you embody those qualities, you attract more people with those same qualities into your life. 

If the idea of loving yourself unconditionally feels like a challenge, enlist the help of a trustworthy friend, therapist, or life coach.  Support is an important part of the process.  It is easier to learn how to love yourself and stick with you plan when you can discuss your challenges and successes with someone who cares about you. 

Practice extreme self care. 

Care for your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs with acceptance, compassion, love and kindness. Take time to listen to your body and mind and give yourself the good things you need. 

Reduce and eliminate stressful and unhealthy habits, thoughts, interactions, and behaviors. Introduce yourself to habits, thoughts, interactions, and behaviors that support your true desires and promote your well-being. Practice them often. Live your life on purpose, not by default.

As much as possible, do not compromise in this area or feel guilty for putting your self care routine first. It is important to truly believe in your heart that it is for the best that you  give yourself the permission and freedom to do this. You do not have to justify taking care of yourself. It is vital for true healing and happiness. 

Not sure where to start? Take the wellness quiz.  Once you identify your area of greatest need, follow the links to pages with tips to help you in that area. The self care quiz is yours as a free "Thank you!" gift when you subscribe to Val's newsletter.  You may unsubscribe anytime.

Cultivate and nourish positive relationships.

The three most important factors in vitality and longevity are feeling listened to, cared for, and supported. Sharpen those skills within yourself and nurture relationships with people who provide those needs for you. 

Humans are meant to live in community with others and to feel that they are valued members of that community.  Stick to the Golden Rule and you can't go wrong: Do not do to others what you do not want them to do to you. Even better, treat them how you want to be treated and how they want to be treated. 

Read more benefits and tips for developing connections with others here.

Enjoy the company of companion animals. 

Even when you have loving people in your life, there is something special about sharing a connection with animals. They have much to teach about how to love yourself and others.

A pet, especially a dog, models unconditional love. Dogs teach you what agape looks and feels like. You can bare your soul to them, tell them your darkest secrets, and show them the magnificent parts of yourself that you hide from others and they will only show you love. Companion animals such as a dog, cat, horse, rat or parrot reciprocate your affection and care many times over.

The health benefits of pets are many. 

Give the gift of touch to yourself and others.

An enjoyable way to love yourself is with  a long sincere hug or a massage. Don't worry about what other people might say about it. Rub your arms, legs, neck and face. Put your hands on your heart and take a few deep breaths.

When you hug your loved ones, enjoy the hug last for at least 10 seconds. Really put your heart and attention into it. You will feel bonded and  as a bonus you each get a health-enhancing, feel-good dose of oxytocin, the love hormone. Longer snuggles are even better for relieving stress and feeling good.

Forgive and heal relationships.

One of the most important ways to love yourself is to forgive. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and forgive others. Be free of ongoing grudges, resentment, guilt, anger, blame, and shame. These emotions benefit no one and block healing. Use those emotions to identify areas you need to heal and then let them go.

It can be difficult to free yourself of guilt, especially when you are grieving the loss of someone or something you really cared about. We tend to look for ways to blame ourselves. Own what you could have done better. learn the lesson, and let it go. The past is over.

Be kind, forgiving, and honest with yourself and others. Temper your criticisms and judgments. Hold your tongue. Be generous with your appreciation and praise. You teach people by your tone and example how you expect them to treat you. Most people will treat you how you treat them. When kindness rules and truth is spoken in love, there is less to forgive and relationships are more enjoyable and healthy.

Practice Random Acts of Kindness.

Here is one of life's paradoxes. In giving , even in little ways, you receive. We are all connected in the great web of life scientists call the Field.

Make a habit of spontaneously showing kindness freely from your heart to other people, animals, the plants and the earth. It's fun to give into the loving kindness impulse and  do something nice for someone. Make this a habit. This is your true innate nature. Humans are wired for empathy and compassion. When you let this side of yourself blossom, it feels good. It feeds your soul and lifts your spirits. Remember to show yourself some little kindnesses, too.

Dalai Lama quote-when you feel love and kindness toward others

Appreciate nature and natural beauty.

One of the best ways to practice loving self care is to experience nature. We are part of the natural world. Nature connects us to our origins, exposes us to healing negative ions, and realigns the molecules of the body in a more harmonious manner.

Find ways to connect with nature. Watch the birds, feel the sun on your skin, ground yourself to the earth.  Go for walks and hikes with friends and family in the fields and forests. Open your windows and let the fresh air in. Hug a tree. 

Bring nature into your home, too. A vase with a single flower or a well-cared for potted plant can lift your spirits and add life to your space.

Relish relationships with people who value your true self.

Psychotherapist Ken Page suggests you learn how to love yourself first from people who love you. These people aren't too afraid of your passion or envious of your gifts. They are generous in spirit and encourage you toward greater self-expression. These people are your best allies because we can feel safe showing them our vulnerabilities and our gifts. Nurture relationships with these people. Give back to them as well. 

Read more at: How to Love Yourself First: The least honored--and most powerful path to self-love

Evaluate toxic relationships. 

Some people act in toxic  ways no matter how positively you relate to them. They are not healthy to be around. You can be sure these people do not love themselves, despite their big egos.

Limit your time with them as much as possible. Explore your role in these relationships.

  • How are you contributing to the negativity? 
  • Is your overall relationship with yourself toxic or positive? 
  • Underneath it all, what is it they really need? What can you do to make the relationship more loving and enjoyable for both of you? 

Part of learning how to love yourself is establishing healthy boundaries. Be firm about them. You can still practice agape love toward toxic people in a way that does not compromise yourself. Patterns of emotional or physical abuse of any kind are never love by any definition. Just because someone says they love and need you does not mean they really love you in the agape way. It's usually more about themselves. Reject manipulation and cruel remarks. Avoid unsafe, unhealthy environments.  

Cultivate a relationship with the Divine.

Pray, meditate, and express appreciation and gratitude often. Seek wisdom about how to love yourself and others in the best way for each situation as challenges and opportunities arise. 

Go out in nature if you need a place to start. Marvel at the stars and the fact that you are on a tiny planet spinning at thousands of miles an hour as you travel around the sun. Marvel at the perfect flowers of many colors. Feel the peace and serenity and connection with all that is. Even though I come from a religious background, this is how true spirituality started for me. 

Be authentic in your beliefs and spiritual practice.

It's okay to admit you don't know everything or even anything about spiritual matters, including what to call God because really who does? There are great mysteries of which we sometimes get a personal glimpse. Don't let that stop you from having a meaningful spiritual life and a connection with the Source of love which is beyond and within you.

In the following video titled "Loving kindness meditation for peace and happiness",  Dr. Joan Borysenko guides you though a beautiful prayer type metta, or loving kindness, meditation from the Buddhist tradition. You bless and wish the best for yourself and others. May I/you be happy and peaceful, may I be safe, may I live with ease in this world, may I be healthy and strong...

Accept yourself.

Learning how to love yourself starts with self acceptance for who you are and where you are in your life journey right now. There is something pure about accepting yourself. You acknowledge the truth and love yourself anyway. This is the stepping stone to make move forward in your life.

Self-improvement looks and feels much different when approaches from a mental space of loving acceptance. Ironically, it becomes easier.  It's one thing to try to force yourself to change from a space of fear or self-loathing. It's quite another to be inspired and motivated because you care about yourself so much that you want to gift yourself a healthy mind, body, environment, and relationships. 

Practice self-compassion.

You honor your humanness when you show yourself mercy, tolerance, patience and empathy.

You may think the only way to motivate yourself to change and do better is to criticize yourself. Not so. That is not how to love yourself. Actually, in the long run, just the opposite is true. Compassion is nurturing and constructive. It feels the pain of another and takes action to make things better. Do this for yourself as well. Criticism is destructive and stressful. In the long run, it rarely works to motivate you. Let it go. 

Studies show that people who are compassionate with themselves suffer less from stress, pain, anxiety, eating disorders, and depression. They are more motivated to exercise and look after their health. 

Feel and practice compassion toward others.

Expand your circle of compassion beyond yourself and your loved ones. Imagine what it is like to be that homeless person, or a prisoner without judging how he got into that situation. Imagine what it is like for that dog in the local shelter or the chicken in a factory farm. Put yourself mentally in their place. How does it feel?

Who does your heart go out to most? What can you do to alleviate their suffering?

You cannot change the whole world, but through your choices and acts of compassionate giving and service you can bring positive change to the parts of the world you touch. You can make a world of difference to one person, one animal or one cause at a time. 

Here's an easy way to practice compassion. Vote with your wallet by only purchasing fair trade merchandise and humanely sourced animal products. 

P.S. Your life purpose often lies with the cause that most touches your heart.

Practice healthy eating and living habits. 

Self-love manifests in how you take care of yourself. Stop dangerous habits like smoking, doing drugs, driving too fast and stressing over little things.

Do something nice for yourself instead. Eat better. Exercise a few times a week. Get enough sleep. Meditate. Smile. Indulge in a few of your favorite "soul foods, but don't overdo. Treat yourself to healthy snacks. They taste good too.

Do what you love.

Are you waiting until the stars line up a certain way or your ducks to get in a row? Are you waiting until everyone else is taken care of before you take time to do what you love?  

Strive for balance.  Be happy and fulfilled now. 

how to love, Val with grandchildren

Nurture yourself by having fun, either alone or with others. Let your inner child come out to play once in a while. Incorporate activities that gave you joy as a child into what you do now. You are worth some of your own time and effort. Smile, have, fun, laugh. 

The most loving thing you can do for yourself is doing what matters most to you. Do what gives you a sense of meaning and purpose and makes your heart sing. Make a habit of doing what brings you great joy and fulfillment. This is an important part of learning how to love yourself. You are worth your time. You will have more to give others, while feeling so much better about yourself. 

And do the same for others. Allow and encourage them to do what they love and what matters to them.

Change your negative patterns and self talk.

Much of learning how to love yourself has to do with the talk that happens between your two ears. All the limiting beliefs, patterns, and negative self talk you have about yourself and the world produce major blocks to learning how to love yourself and others. 

Negative thoughts take many forms, but they all have the same effect. You feel badly about yourself. You may sabotage your efforts to take care of yourself and fulfill your conscious desires.

Criticism rarely changes anyone in the long run. More often, faultfinding leads to negative changes. Critical attack thoughts sound like this: 'I hate my thighs, nose...', 'I don't deserve, am not worth...', 'I'm alone, unloved, no good...'

Unload your emotional baggage and enjoy better feeling thoughts with one or more of these techniques. 

watch out for the joy-stealers quote by Joyce Meyer

Attend to your living environment.

There is truth to the statement, "If you look good you'll feel good." This applies to yourself and your space.

This may be one of the easier, fun how to love yourself tips. You can involve others in the process, too.  Yes, unworthiness issues may arise. Bless and heal them.

  • Wear clothes that you love and reflect who you really are. A few well-chosen pieces make you feel much better about how you look than a full closet of unworn items. If you don't feel good in it, get rid of it.
  • It does not take an expensive big home to create a lovely environment for yourself and your family. A clean orderly, clutter-free space with a few items you love nurtures heart and soul. 
  • Create sacred spaces. Include meaningful items that remind you that you are loved and important. Bring beauty into your home in the form of flowers, colorful pillows, pictures, and/or a favorite piece of furniture.
  • Add personal touches to your work space, too. A photo of loved ones, an inspirational poster, or reminders of happy times keep you connected to your heart even when you are away from home. 

Practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness brings you into the present moment. It is also about loving and accepting loving yourself exactly as you are.

Notice and focus on exactly how you are feeling in the moment. Have the intention that you are going to stay with these feelings no matter what, just like a good friend. Part of learning to love yourself is allowing and honoring what you are feeling.

Give these mindful meditation exercises a try to relieve stress and feel more present whether you are out and about or being still.

In the long run, the physical and spiritual well-being that comes from learning how to love yourself, practicing self care, kindness, acceptance, and compassion as your top priorities may be the very best thing you can do for yourself and for those you love. Agape love will improve your health, your meaningful relationships, and your quality of life. It will spill over into all areas of your life and touch those you interact with in a positive, healing way. 

Remind yourself often of how to love yourself and others because "Love heals" and ultimately, love is all there is and all that matters. 

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How to Love Yourself and Others page updated 03/2020

For Educational Purposes Only. This information has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or medical condition. Please consult with your health provider before using natural remedies and/or complementary therapies if you are pregnant, nursing, or you are being treated for a medical condition. Be aware that certain herbs and supplements interact with medications.

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